Tag: Life

Always doubting

MiaLeave a comment

woman watching sunsetI’ve been told I’m too tentative, sensitive to things. In a way it is true. I’m very careful who I open up to. As I’ve got older, my trust in other people has decreased. There are things in life I haven’t achieved because I’ve been too careful. In some things, it’s good to be. I haven’t got myself into trouble. I haven’t spent my time with the wrong people. In my teens, I spent my time at home. I had friends but it was when I was younger. I have never had the urge to experiment. I have never tried smoking or got drunk. Hell, I’m a goody two shoes and I’m not ashamed of it. A smart person doesn’t need to be like everyone else. I have not found a point in trying things. I haven’t missed anything. Some think you haven’t lived if you haven’t experienced certain things. Best time to live is seeing other people making mistakes so you don’t repeat them. I don’t need to act crazy to live a life.

Sometimes I think how boring my life has been. But when I start to think what I’ve been through, I’ve actually had enough of drama. There are things you only realise after you had a long thought about it. I don’t really want more excitement in my life. I’ve been through things most people haven’t. Too much excitement makes me anxious. In small doses it’s fine. Being too tentative can have its disadvantage. You don’t get things other people might get. If I had a job where I could get a raise or a promotion, I would be the last in line. I don’t have enough courage to put myself out there. I’m always doubting what could go wrong or I won’t get my point across. Instead of even trying to do things, I rather skip it altogether. That’s been one of my flaws and I’ve worked on that all of my adult life.

No one is perfect and you have to know it yourself. If you’re too confident of yourself, you think you’re above everyone else. It’s easier to get enemies that way. You shouldn’t be too doubtful about yourself either. Too much of anything is too much. Being tentative shouldn’t be a bad thing. It’s better to be safe than rush into things without thinking about the consequences.

Life is a carousel

MiaLeave a comment

carousel and blue sky

I never liked roller coasters. I went once in a small one and I hated it. I kept my eyes closed the whole time. It’s the speed that I don’t like. I’m a carousel person. I don’t want any drama and I don’t like conflict. I always try to be careful. I never broke a bone in my life. I’ve had fractures but never broken any. I slipped on ice once where I fractured my left hand. That’s the only time I’ve needed a plaster. I had to wear it for a month and it was hell. I couldn’t even brush my hair and not to forget when taking a shower. Since then I promised myself I would never hurt myself like that again. Every time I slip on something, I get cold chills but luckily nothing has been broken. I’ve hurt all of my limbs and sometimes it feels like I’m invalid. There are things I can’t do anymore that I could when I was younger. For example, I can’t crouch down or sit cross legged. Especially the latter. I sat like that in 1994 and I fractured my right knee so I had to go through an arthroscopic surgery. I had to walk with crutches for a month and then had to go to rehabilitation. There was so much fuss to go through that situation. Clothing yourself, brushing your hair and to move from one place to another. When I see athletes hurting their knees, I feel their pain. I can’t stand pain so I try to avoid it as much as I can. Last time I hurt myself badly was about 4 years ago when I slipped on dirt and my left leg got bent backwards. My leg hurt like hell but nothing was broken. My ankle doesn’t work properly though. I never went to the doctor to get it checked. I haven’t dared to put my skiing boots on so I haven’t slalom skid for years because of that.

I always think before speaking which had caused problems. I just think too much and then the situation is over. I could have done a lot of things if I hadn’t been so careful but there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t regret anything though. Things that have happened in my life has been out of my control. You can’t change people’s attitude against you. Seeing what other people have gone through in their relationships, I’m glad I haven’t had any of those problems. Some things I wish I could have experienced but that’s personal stuff so I won’t go into that. I’ve always done things what I feel at that moment. I’m not looking for a special adventure. Life itself is one but slower. I don’t know why you need to experience exciting things to feel you lived a life. You can live a quiet life and still be satisfied. I guess some feel more alive to “brag” about how great their life is. I feel alive when I listen to my favourite songs or favourite movies. I’m a homebody and when I’m alone I’m more relaxed.

I’ve always done things what I feel at that moment. I’m not looking for a special adventure. Life itself is one but slower. I don’t know why you need to experience exciting things to feel you lived a life. You can live a quiet life and still be satisfied. I guess some feel more alive to “brag” about how great their life is. I feel alive when I listen to my favourite songs or favourite movies. I’m a homebody and when I’m alone I’m more relaxed. I don’t need to go out to parties or drink myself senseless. That has never been me and never will. Sometimes it is nice to get out of you daily routines. Some years ago I never thought I would have the courage to see a live concert and this Thursday I’ll finally take that step. At the Robbie Williams concert, there will be at least 30 000 people so I hope it won’t become too overwhelming. I don’t suffer from anxiety so I’ll be just fine. It will be a roller coaster but it will feel like a giant carousel.

Tallenna

Partner in crime

Mia3 Comments

two lionsEveryone seems to have that one person in life they feel most attached to. If it’s a partner in an intimate relationship or friendship. I’ve had my share of friendships and even a few so called flings. Online mostly. I wish I’ve had that partner in crime I could open up to. Tell them secrets no one else knows about. Doing things we both enjoy. I’ve never had that best friend I could confide in. But I’m a loner and I’m quite used to it. It’s one kind of freedom. I can do what I please and I don’t have to wait for another person if we’ve arranged a meeting. Not having that friend, does have its disadvantages though. Especially when going to the movies. It would be nice to have someone to discuss it with afterwards. There’s a lot of people online who has the same favourites as you but it’s not the same. It lacks the human touch. Friendships seem to walk past me.

I can hear someone suggesting I should find some organisation (or something like that) where I could meet other people. But the problem is, it’s not my cup of tea. Finns especially are hard to become friends with. I know since I’ve experienced it a lot of times. When I studied web design, it showed how much difference there is between Finns and foreigners. They’re more talkative. The Finns didn’t talk to me that much, except one. Finding friends is much easier than finding that partner in crime. I can never found a friend who I have something in common with. Most people at my ages have families or are married. They discuss things I don’t know anything about. Being an introvert makes it even harder to talk to strangers. If I do talk to them, it doesn’t become a friendship.

People look for the one to share their life with but I’ve looked for friendships my whole life. Maybe my destiny is to be alone and I never find that partner in crime. It’s a bit of a dilemma. I want to be alone but sometimes I wish I had a friend to share things with. It’s just that I can never find a person who’s at the same wave length as me. It feels like my life hasn’t changed much. It’s like I mature slower than most people. I’m mentally 16 but others are at their real age. I’ve always felt I was smarter than other people at my age. I’ve never been experimental because I didn’t find anything fun about it. I don’t feel I’ve missed anything. You can’t miss something you have never experienced. I won’t get depressed about how my life went when I get old. I’m not one of those people who will say, I wish I had done that. The same goes with the partner in crime bit. I like meeting different people and I don’t necessarily need a special person in my life.

I’ve mentioned in a few posts on this blog how easily bored I get. The same goes with other people. I don’t want to get attached to people too much. I’ve had too many sad moments in my life. My biggest fear has always been losing a loved one and they all came true. No one lives forever but they were taken too early from me. I’ve also got hurt too many times, my trust is limited. I don’t want to admit it and less think about it. But deep inside I know the reason why I always like someone I can’t have. It’s because it’s easier and you don’t get hurt or rejected. Sometimes it’s hard to like someone from a far. You wish they could know you but you’ll never meet them. A fantasy does never become reality. You can’t make someone like you the way you like them. Life is not a soap opera where you do anything to make that person yours. I don’t even think I could stick to one person the rest of my life. No matter if it’s your partner in crime in friendship or an intimate relationship, it’s better to live alone than suffer from heartache. It might sound harsh but if you’ve gone through life the way I have, your trust in people is hard to get back.

Tallenna

Tallenna