Chained to you

July 6, 2017 MiaLeave a comment

chain I’m not easily pleased. I expect too much from myself. I feel like I tether myself to my emotions. Things I do and the choices I make, I’m always doing what my heart tells me. I have unrealistic dreams which are the reason why they never come true. I’ve been through thick and thin with what I wanted to do for a living. Since I was a teenager, I wanted to come so many things. It depended on what I felt at the time. I never wanted to have a so-called ‘normal job’ One time I wanted to become a journalist. I even studied it. I wanted to meet celebrities and interview them. But the reality is different from the dreams. During my studies, I realised I can’t both listen and write. I interviewed a teacher and I just couldn’t keep up with what he replied to my questions. In the end, it was the teacher who wrote the final interview. The whole writing process and the stress in a journalist job weren’t for me. My motivation for a job like that was meeting famous people but there’s something more than that. I chose that profession because that’s what my heart told me at the time. Now that job would probably be boring to me. I’m indecisive and I have a hard time concentrating on one subject at a time. I always find negative things about things. I’m chained to my emotions and I’m a loose canon. That’s one of the reasons why I haven’t found my place when it comes to careers. I don’t want to get stuck in one place. I get bored easily and I like changes. Maybe I’ve finally found my ‘calling’ in web design but it’s early yet since I haven’t found a job. My emotions are controlling this decision and also finding the courage to take the leap.

I’m chained to you, a life of emotions. I like my life and I don’t have the obligations other people have. I can do and go wherever I please. I could be sad about not having anyone in my life but as the years go by, I don’t really want anyone. Sometimes it feels lonely though. There are times I wish I could have someone I could be with. Someone I can do things with. I like the feeling of the thought someone only having eyes for me. Someone who thinks about you no matter what they do. I wish someone could feel the way I feel. Liking someone who doesn’t even know you exist, is difficult in the long run. When no one has never looked at you that way, it’s easier to fantasise about someone you can’t have.
But when I see people having relationships and it has its problems, I realise how easy I have it. I want an easy life without heartache and having to think about someone else’s needs. Maybe it’s selfish to only think what’s best for yourself but I like my freedom. I can dream about anything and if I want to do something, I don’t have to ask for permission. I can fancy anyone I like without having to make someone jealous. I also have more money to spend. What’s selfish is having kids because that’s what humans are made for. No wonder there are parents who don’t know how to take care of their children. It’s also selfish to have kids only because you want someone to care for you when you’re old. You might just as well get a pet if you feel lonely. Even they need care so if you don’t know what you’re doing, then you shouldn’t get one.

I used to like bands before they got big. I was up with the times when it came to entertainment. But then my likes for sport took over and I didn’t pay attention to anything else. I got slow for discovering new talents or hot movies. I wasn’t interested at all in these science fiction and superhero flicks. Batman was the only one. Star Wars was silly, Marvel was even sillier. Then these TV shows, The X-files, Stargate SG1 and Sherlock were uninteresting to me. I swore I would never watch them. New TV shows were even less interesting. Then came Game of Thrones. I heard about it so when they showed the first episode on Finnish TV, I decided to watch it. After one episode I wasn’t really sure about it so I watched another. You know when you open a Pringles and you take one chip/crisp to taste it. You like it so much so you take another and then another. That’s what happened with GOT. I watched one and another but it didn’t stop there. I just couldn’t get enough of it. In another word, I was chained to it. It’s the same with Star Wars and those others I mentioned. I can’t get enough of them. I still don’t care about Marvel except for Guardians of the Galaxy and Thor. I’m chained to them and I can’t get rid of it. I don’t really want to either. If Tom Hiddleston wouldn’t be in Thor movies I probably wouldn’t watch them though.

I wish I could be this excited about my life as I am about entertainment. I want to be able to make faster decisions about what I want to do in life. I wish I was someone who could be good at one thing and wake up every morning happy to be doing what I do. Now I get stressed about what to do when I wake up. I have too many choices. I know about things here and there but I’m not an expert in anything. Being interesting in a lot of things is not always a good thing. At the same time, having different skills does give life a different meaning. You see things from different perspectives when you’re not focusing on one thing. I wouldn’t be me if I was like everyone else. I like versatility and I would get bored if I hadn’t different choices. Things I’ve been through and people I met, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I know what I don’t want to become and that’s a tether that can’t hold me a prisoner.

Tallenna

My portion of life

June 1, 2017 Mia1 Comment

streetfood The older one gets, the more you understand life is hard. But it’s not always in a negative way. The portion of life has its ups and down because that’s the way it is. Everyone has it difficult sometimes but that doesn’t mean you should feel you’re not worth it. I can’t put myself in someone’s shoes who got mental issues because I’m never been depressed. I’ve felt down for a while but I found things to pull up my spirit. It’s easy for me to say, get over it. Only a person who’s suffered from mental illness can understand how it really feels like. When I was a teenager I did think about suicide when I felt things were impossible but I would never have acted on it. Some have it so bad, they actually do try. There have been recent celebrity deaths that have been caused by too much medication. Just take Chris Cornell for example. He had a loving family and a band but still, he ended his own life. We don’t know the real reason and many questions will be unanswered. There had to be more than just too much medicine. The one’s who’s gonna suffer the most is the family. Someone who decides to end their life is selfish. But when they’re depressed, they don’t think about that. Depression should be talked about and not pretending it doesn’t exist. You can’t save them all but suicide shouldn’t be the last resort. If people talked more, a lot of problems could be solved. If you keep everything inside it will get worse. There’s always someone who can help. It’s not easy to take the first step but if it that step doesn’t come from you first, nothing will get better.

When I was younger I went to psychiatrists and talking about my problems did help. Going to one is nothing to be embarrassed about. You don’t need to feel incomplete and ashamed about wanting to get help. You can’t handle everything alone. For me, writing is one kind of therapy. It’s cheaper than paying for a psychiatrist. If you can’t afford one, writing your thoughts down can be a big help. I’ve had a lot of diaries where I wrote what I thought about and what I experienced. Reading them years later, makes me wonder why I even felt what I felt at the time. I wrote a lot of silly stuff too that I now find ridiculous. If I hadn’t written my thought down, I would have been a different person now and maybe I wouldn’t be here to tell the tale. All those problems I had then seems unnecessary now. If I had chosen a different path, I would have caused a lot of sadness to my parents. They’d already had lost one child and if I had given up as soon as things got tough, I would have missed a lot of things. Instead of thinking what you don’t have, maybe thinking about things you do have, will make you feel better.

Tomorrow I’ll be turning, urgh, 40. Yikes. Time really has flown by. Becoming older is not fun but it’s not bad either. I’m glad I’ve come this far. I wouldn’t want to be a teenager. I hated that period. I’ve never been a rebel and I didn’t do what others at my age did. I thought other teens were stupid and I rather stayed home with my parents. I had other teen problems. Spots and all that. I wasn’t happy with myself. I let other people treat me like I didn’t deserve to be there. I wasn’t as confidence as I am now. I got stabbed in the back by friends and I had a hard time to find new ones. I’m still the same. I don’t keep in touch with people I’ve been to later schools with. I’ve learned to be alone and I prefer not to share my so-called space with others. They say being alone is not good for your health but for me, it helps. I get tired of people around. I never know what to say and it feels forced to start conversations. I’m gonna be one of those cranky ladies who stalks their neighbours and complains about their behaviours to myself. Or maybe not. If I could, I would live somewhere in nature with an internet connection and things I like the best. I wouldn’t care if I didn’t meet a single person. That’s my portion of life. Being left alone and be the person I want to be without having to please other people’s expectations.

If I’m lucky I hope this wish for aloneness doesn’t affect my mental health. I’m never lonely which is one of the feelings that makes a person depressed. Sometimes it’s good to see other people but I don’t need to get connected with them. The only time I feel lonely is when I don’t have any entertainment with me. Music and movies make me happy. Without them, this life would be unbearable. Every one should find a way to live as happy as they can. If you need other people around you, then that should be enough to you. It’s your life and you decide what you want to do with it. Happiness doesn’t come from big things. It’s the small things that matter. You can learn a lot from kids and animals. Adults seem to forget how to look at life from a positive angle. If you see everything negative, you think that’s what life is about. There’s too much of that in the news. Life is beautiful and we shouldn’t forget what’s good about it.

Tallenna