Tag: personal

Someday that did not happen

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big treeWhen I was younger, I used to have dreams about things. Someday I would move abroad. Someday I would become something. Someday I would find someone to love. Someday I would find a career I’m comfortable with. Someday I’ll become a Formula 1 photographer. But that someday never came. Things never turned the way I wanted them to be. I learned to accept the way things were. Now I wouldn’t have the same goals as I did then. My priorities changed as I got older. I began to take the days as they came and I still do. I don’t plan far ahead because I know they won’t become true. No matter what others say, it won’t happen to me. If it would, it would have happened ages ago. I’ll never meet people I want. I never get satisfaction in anything I do. I’m pleased with things but I never feel 100% sure. I live in a world where everything is good. I don’t want to the worlds problems on my shoulders. There are things I care about but I wouldn’t spend my time by following them for very long. Things will never be fine in the world. I can feel empathy but it doesn’t make me lose my sleep over it. I’ve got enough of my own problems to solve. I would be a very bad psychologist because I found other people’s problems uninteresting. Even if I’m interested in human behaviour, I still wouldn’t care less. It might have sounded bad about what I just wrote but other people’s problems are no concern of mine. I don’t expect others to care about mine either.

I might be pessimistic here but I don’t believe in someday. There won’t be a cure for cancer someday. There won’t be peace in the world someday. We can only hope there is a cure but it doesn’t mean it will come true. There’s always been bad things in the world. Things can get better but it will never be over. You can’t get rid of hate and you can’t spread love to everyone. Idiots of the world has always been and always will be around. You can make the world a better place by spreading love but it won’t have any affect on certain people. It’s no use to think someday a miracle would happen when that someday will never come no matter how much you wish for it. Still it doesn’t mean you have to give up on the someday. Maybe it will come or it might not.

That someday only happen to other people than yourself. Someday someone wins the lottery but that won’t be me. Someday a little child hugs you for no reason at all but that ain’t gonna be me. Someone else will meet a famous person they look up to someday but not me. I’ll never be that lucky. I will not find love someday because I’m not even looking. If I did, he’s probably taken or wouldn’t even care. I did think someday I would change the subjects on this blog to more personal but that never happened. Someday is not really my friend. On the contrary, it’s a pain in the behind. The only certainty that someday will happen is death. It comes to all of us one way or another.

 

Tallenna

Tallenna

Clinging to a feeling

Mia4 Comments

cementaryThere comes a times when you need to stop clinging to a feeling. Grief is one. When my mother died, I cried for three days. Before we buried her, she appeared in my dreams. Even after we did, I still so saw her in them but they then faded. Everyone grief in a different way and it takes time to recover. Crying helps to get the bad feelings away. If you keep it inside, it takes longer to overcome it. Death is something you can’t do anything about. The person who died wants you to continue your life. There are still times when I think about my mother and tears start flooding. It’s a way of cleansing your soul. You need to know when to let go and not cling to the past. If I had a time machine, I wouldn’t want to go back. I wouldn’t want to go through my mother’s death again and especially before that. Seeing your loved one fade away is something I wouldn’t want to go back to. I’ve had my own grief counseling and I survived from sorrow. That’s the worse feeling to cling to.

Some people cling too much on hate. They hate this and they hate that. It’s a never-ending circle. If its hate you cling to, let it go. Life is too short for that kind of feeling. That’s the reason there are wars. It continues from generation to generation. When kids see hate, they think that’s the only thing in the world. Adults job is to show kids hate is not the way to go. But when leaders spread hate, its no wonder they don’t know anything else.
Internet is full of hate but there it’s easier to hide behind a computer. They wouldn’t dare saying things in people’s faces. Haters gonna hate but it shouldn’t be taken lightly. It’s a strong word. You can’t really hate a person you don’t know and yet there are those who think they know them. There are things I dislike but I wouldn’t say I hate. Especially not people. If I do, it’s nothing personal. Some behaviours are rude and smelly like smokers but I don’t hate them. Some of them are decent people, except their disgusting habit. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who hates because those people poison everyone’s mood.

A feeling you should cling to is love but there is a limit. Too much clinging isn’t good. It drives things away. The world should concentrate on loving things. Love makes you happy. Not just loving another person but also loving things of the world. If I didn’t love, life would be meaningless. After a long day or if you had bad day, it’s relaxing to do things you love. Putting some music on and write. Watch a movie you’ve seen a lot of times. Looking at pet gifs on Instagram. If there’s nice weather outside, you take a long walk. Searching Youtube for old comedy shows. Taking photographs of random things. Go online searching for information for things you’re interested in. Look for photos of your favorite actors/actresses. Tumblr is a great place for that. Those are things I love.

Cling into that instead of negative things. That’s how I stay positive.
Love your loved ones and show them how much. Do what you love the most and don’t let others spoil it for you. There’s always gonna be negative people who cling on everything they hear and see. They are a waste of your time. I’ve known those kind of people and I was glad to get rid of them. They find a thrill in bringing you down and nothing is good for them. Don’t try to impress those kind of people because they want to see you fail. Jealousy is an ugly thing. You shouldn’t let them get to you because you’re stronger than they ever be. It’s easier said than done but in the end it will make you a better and confident person.

Advent Calendar, Day 15, 3 years ago

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woman slalom skiing
Mother skiing in Lapland

Today it’s been 3 years since my mother died. It was one of the hardest things I ever been through. She wasn’t only my mother, she was also a friend. We had our ups and down but who hasn’t. When I had problems I could ask her for help. She had been through a lot in her life so she knew a lot of things. She was also very caring and helpful. She lost her father when she was a child. He also had cancer. She lost her first child (my sister) and it was really hard on all of us. That was the reason why we travelled to Europe. I was only 6 so I don’t remember much of that time.

I only want to remember the good times which is something we all should do if we lost a family member. We travelled quite a lot and when we did, it was fun. Of course some conflict came but nothing is perfect. Travelling hasn’t been the same again. Actually nothing has been the same. We went to ski trips to Lapland almost every year. I was only 2 months old when I was there the first time. We used to have a cabin there that my father shared with a few other owners. But when he sold his share, we rented a cabin or a hotel room somewhere else. Slalom was a family hobby of ours. He taught us both so we’ve never been to a lesson. I was 6 when I first started but I wouldn’t say I’m good at it. Me and mother skied a lot there. My father used to compete in alpine slalom when he was younger but I guess he got old and wasn’t as keen anymore.  Last time we were skiing was in 2011. Who knew that a year later, it would all change and our ski trips as a family would be history. (she was diagnosed with cancer in 2012)

Things change and sometimes it hurts but we have to move on. That’s what my mother would have wanted. Even if she was ill, she was still worried about me. She was a worrier and sometimes she worried too much. There were things that I left unsaid. I’ll regret it forever. It probably wouldn’t have changed anything. She would still have passed away. She was the one who cooked food for Christmas when we celebrated it at home. I always helped her in the kitchen so I learned how to cook. Making Christmas dinner is hard work so it’s not something you want to do by yourself. I don’t have anyone who could help so I don’t make it. We haven’t celebrated Christmas at home for a while and this time we won’t either. Last time was when she died and then Christmas wasn’t a celebration as you understand. It’s easier to go to a trip where everything is done for you. I think we would still go if my mother was still alive.

What I miss the most was the time we spent together. Going on cycling trips, going to the store, telling her about my day, baking and everything that we used to do. Doing those things now is not the same. Even though I had a good relationship with both parents, she was the one who I was closest to. She remembered things about the past that my father didn’t. I also miss when I could ask her about something from my childhood or if I needed help in daily things. Now I have to find out things on my own which is sometimes difficult. Those are times I wish she was still around. She was the one who went to the meetings in school and cared the most about my education. Both of my parents have always supported me in everything I do and I’m grateful for that. Everyone has their flaws but I’m lucky that I had parents that cared. That’s something not everyone have.

To mother. Till mor.  Äidille.

It’s been 3 years since you’ve been gone. I wish it wasn’t so. I wanted you to stick around and see how I’m doing. I didn’t want you to worry. I’m doing fine. Maybe there was a reason why you had to go. Why you were the one who got sick. I’m been wondering that many times. But what’s done is done. I still think about you. It was better to see you leave than seeing you go through pain. Suffering is the worse and no one should be in that place. It could have been better if you could grow older. But maybe then I wouldn’t be as strong and independent as I am now. Sometimes there are times I think about what if you wouldn’t have gotten sick and how things would be. You could see what I’m doing now and I could tell how things are going. Your advice and encouraging is what I miss on times like these.
Even though I miss the times when you were still here, it encourages me to know you’re in a better place. Maybe we meet again or maybe we’re not. I’ll shed a tear or two when I think about you because you meant a lot to me. One thing is certain, life goes on and that’s what you wanted me to do. Like you said once, I’m still young and have a life to live. That’s what I’m doing, moving on. I’ll never forget you and will always remember you. RIP.