Tag: personal

In memory of my sister

Mia13 Comments

inmemory

Today it’s been 33 years since my big sister past away. Even if it’s been that long, I never really got over it. She was 10 and I was 6. I don’t remember much of that time. She got sick at a very young age. It was something with her immune system. At the time the illness was unknown. She had some kind of tumour in her brain since she had to shave her head. I don’t actually know what kind of decease she had. Losing a child and a sibling at a very young age changes a person for good. No one should go through it. Children should not become sick. They should live a life and not got banned from it. I can really sympathise with people who has lost a child or a sibling. A part of you dies and you never really get over it. You just move on. Life is full of unfairness. Some experience it more than others. Sometimes I think why do I have go through this. Why am I banned from happiness? Haven’t I suffered enough? Those are question everyone will go through one way or another.

My childhood was happy until that day. After that I wasn’t the same person. No one knows how to grow up without a sibling besides a person who lost one themselves. People bicker about how much they dislike their sister or brother. At least they have one. Try to live a life without a sibling. If you’re an only child, you don’t know how it is to have one.
I am a bit envy of people with siblings. You can never replace them. They are not toys you can buy in a store. No matter what your relationship is with them, you still have someone to share your sorrows and happiness with. A relationship with a sibling is not like an intimate relationship with your partner. You known your siblings all your life. They lived your childhood. They know the real you. Your childhood molds you to the person you become.

I can only speak for myself how my sister’s death has affected me. I’ve tried to analyse why I am the way I am. Why I’m not as brave as I should be? Why am I not a risk taker and so on. One of the reason is that I haven’t had that sibling who encourage me. Of course parents have supported me in whatever I did but a sibling is a bit different. My sister was good at making friends which I’ve never been good at. I always wondered how I got friends in the first place. Those friends I had didn’t really understand what I went through when I lost her. There was an incident in school once but I don’t remember any of it. My mother never told me what is was. Maybe she just wanted to save me from pain. Losing her first-born took a toll on her too. She became maybe a little overprotective over me but I don’t blame her. It wasn’t her fault. Other bad experiences changed me and not her.

I loved my sister and she loved me. A shame we couldn’t grow up to adulthood. My life would be totally different. I would be a different person. But you can’t turn back the clock. You have to live the life you’re giving. I sometimes think about how life would be if she was still around but I also think about how life would be now if my mother was alive. There’s nothing wrong about thinking what if. I do get sad when I think about it. If I had my sister she would have been a great comfort and wouldn’t feel so alone after mother died. She would probably have a family I could spend my holidays with. I don’t know what kind of job she would have but she would have one. She would help me find my place and my mind wouldn’t wanderer around in my head. I don’t know if my life would be happier but I sure would smile more. No one knows what life would be like if people wouldn’t die. It sure is nice from time to time to think about what ifs. Nothing will change but it’s great comfort to think about a life that could be.

I feel banned at times and think what have I done to deserve this. But bad things happen to good people. My sister didn’t deserve to die such a young age. My mother was also a good person but still she became sick. Diseases shouldn’t take good people. It doesn’t matter if you good or bad, death comes no matter what, deserved or not. I just hope my life won’t be all sorrow. I don’t want to feel banned but I don’t want people to bug me either. I don’t believe in God anymore (and I’m not a religious person) because I’ve lost so many loved once. Maybe there is a high power who decides who lives and who dies.

So today it’s 33 years when my sister passed away. She’s not in human form anymore but she still lives in my memories. I miss her everyday and I think about her when I’m lonely.
Be happy to have a sibling(s) Never take them for granted because some of us wish we still had one. See yourself privileged. Think what would be worse, losing a sibling or have one alive. I doubt many can put themselves in our shoes. You can sympathise but you can never know how it really feels like until you’re there yourself.

RIP Nina 1973-1983

Tallenna

Age is nothing but a number and all that crap

Mia6 Comments

cakeToday it’s my birthday. I’m one year older than yesterday. I still haven’t found my purpose on this planet. Maybe I never find it but that’s OK. I’m not really looking for one either. I’m not expecting any surprises. I’ve never had any positive ones. I’ve never met someone I thought I would never meet. No job opportunity has fallen down my lap. No special achievements to brag about in resumes. Maybe my purpose is not having anything special planned. Maybe not everyone is supposed to have an exciting life. Some must have a boring and calm life.

I don’t mind getting older. That’s something everyone has to go through. But not having achieved much before 40 (almost there) that’s what depressive. As the times goes by, the less I think about birthdays. It’s just one step closer to death. I’m not one of those who are afraid of getting older. That’s something you can’t change. No matter how young you try to look, you still gonna die one day. What’s the point with all the plastic surgeries and wrinkle creams when one day you’ll be gone anyway? Why can’t people just accept of who they are? People are so shallow. It’s Hollywood all over the world soon.

Don’t get me started with age discrimination in work places. If you’re in your 40-ish or 50-ish, they thing you’re passed it but just because you’re getting older doesn’t mean you can’t learn new things. My mother used to say when you’re turning 40 it’s harder to find a job. I couldn’t even get a job in my twenties. But she was right. It will get harder but you should still not give up. I wish I could be as hopeful as I give this advice. I’m just not strong enough to take a risk. I prefer being in my comfort zone. If I try something new, it’s always online. If it’s a movie I haven’t seen before or an online game I haven’t played, that’s as far as risk taking goes. It’s lame but I’ve always been a coward (introversion is one reason)

Age is nothing but a number until an outsider says “you’re too old” It’s OK to get older as long as you stay in your twenties. Luckily no one has never said I was too old. But that day might come sooner or later. Who said you have to achieve something at a certain age? I feel like a looser compared to my age group but I shouldn’t compare them. They are not me. I won’t become depressed if I’ve never get anywhere in life. I’m still here and maybe that’s my purpose. To be here at this moment and this life. Besides there has to be someone who still have some sense in their heads and not acting like a loose cannon. Now there seem to be more selfishness and a me, me culture. The whole world seems to be lost and helpless. If there were more people like me, not trying to brag here, this life would make more sense.

Tallenna