My vacation is over

yellow spade deep in sand
Made in Canva

Being unemployed is not really a vacation. You constantly worry why no one hires you or how to update your resume. Then it’s the money thing. You have to live on someone else’s money. A.k.a the government’s money. But then when you think you won’t get anything, things change completely. That’s what happened to me today (Feb. 14). I went to a job interview and guess what, I got the job. It’s part-time and it’s pay subsidy. It’s still government money but I get more money than I do now. I will work as a media assistant and it contains what I’ve studied (e.g. photography and web design) The job begins on March 2. I mean my vacation is over. No more late evenings and sleeping until noon or longer. At least for 8 months. I don’t need to search for jobs and I get more work experience in my own field. Which is the most important thing. So in your face, employers.

The work is in an activity centre for the unemployed. I’ve been there before as an intern but the experience wasn’t fun. It was years ago and things have changed since then. I have to get up early because it’s a long way by bus. I could cycle there but the traffic can be a pain so I rather take the bus. It’s more convenient. Since the job is part-time I can do something else too. But I will probably be too tired after waking up early every day of the week so we’ll see. Now I don’t need to apply to jobs outside my field. I won’t get any of those and I don’t really want to. I’m both excited and nervous about this new adventure but at least I do something instead of waiting for something to happen.

Retire or keep on trying

two red wooden chairs
Made in Canva

Sometimes I wonder if I should just retire and forget everything. But I’m too young to do so. If I retired my pension would be quite small. I’m a healthy person and I have no serious problems that could affect my daily life. Every time I see someone who has got a job through an internship or got some great experiences from something, I get this worthless feeling about myself. Other people get things done and all I’m doing is thinking about it. They are also given a chance. If I was offered a job, for example, I would consider taking it. Things like that only happen to others.

You shouldn’t compare yourself to others but in some things, you can’t help it. For me, it’s design skills. I wish I was as confident in it as I am with writing. I have this thought in the back of my head that someone is saying, “even I could do that” Someone actually said that about a photograph I took once. What worries me about my designs is the opinion that it isn’t anything special. I had the same feeling when I got feedback from the teacher about an assignment in graphic design at Helsinki Design School. It was just a feeling and it doesn’t mean they really meant it that way. Now when I see work from current students, I feel even worse because the works are actually good. They’ve had ideas I would never have thought of. In the end, it’s the clients who choose who they want to hire and not what you’re teacher have told you about your assignments. I can’t see anyone hiring me though because my work isn’t amazing. Only average and no one wants to pay for something they can do themselves.

It’s kind of silly to retire when I haven’t done much. Or maybe having unfinished business is the better description. I feel useless and unwanted when it comes to working. You’re either wanted for an internship nor part-time work. Not getting any work experience in your own field is even worse. I have done another job application that isn’t in my field but I don’t know if that will change one bit. I suck at writing applications because I never know what to write. It’s so stressful so I wish I could retire from job search altogether. That’s probably the only thing I want to retire from. But as long as I’m at the age that I can work, I have the obligation (or forced) to do the job searching thing. All you can do is keep on trying and hope for the best.

The unsociable parasite

young lady sitting alone
Made in Canva

The blog post title doesn’t necessarily mean I think of myself of being the unsociable parasite. It’s more about what people might think of me. I’m not gregarious at all. I’m more of a loner. Sometimes I need interaction with other people but I can live without it. If I had a choice I would never leave the house. All I would need is a computer and an internet connection. But I don’t want to live my life like that. I also like being outside. I would seek for solitude in nature or even take a walk outside where I wouldn’t meet a single person. Big crowds only make me tired and stressed. Especially queues where people breathe down my neck.

In this loud world where people who like solitude and are unsociable are seen as parasites. Introverted people are needed as much as extroverted. We can’t all be the same. Being social doesn’t even mean talking. You can still be social by observing and listening to others. The problem with this world is not enough of listening. Everyone seems to be in a hurry. No one wants to share either. Not until disaster strikes then a lot of people want to be helpful. Social media is not much better. If you want advice no one gives you one. You don’t get any help from anyone. Or maybe it’s just me who doesn’t. I guess you need to have a lot of followers. If you want anything done, you have to do it yourself.

In the working life, the unemployed are seen as some kind of parasite. The longer you are out of work, the less you’re wanted. And even worse when you’re an introvert. I think that’s one of the reasons why I never had a real paid job. I don’t belong anywhere so, therefore, I’m a parasite. In the employer’s eyes that is. Last time I were anywhere it was in 2012 and that was only 2 weeks. There they said I wasn’t social enough. How would they know anyway? Well, it’s old news and I don’t dwell on that any longer. I don’t even feel like going anywhere in the morning. I’m not saying I will never look for a job again but it looks unlikely I will get any in 2020.

I wouldn’t want to be gregarious anyway because then I wouldn’t be who I am. I hate faking things which seems to be required in some cases. I’m also a bad actress and I can’t act social when I’m not. People would see right through me if I pretended to be talkative. If people think I’m the unsociable parasite then so be it. It’s not my concern because they don’t know me. I know from personal experience that some people don’t even bother getting to know you. They rely on stereotypes and live by that. Some get to know a person before they judge but I haven’t met one yet who does. If I have it was a long time ago. We shouldn’t ignore differences, we should welcome it. That’s how the world should work.