It’s been a month since my last blog post. There are different reasons why I haven’t blogged in a while. Swish and the time is gone. I just haven’t had anything to write about. I haven’t been busy but I’ve had other things on my mind. And I sleep really late. I guess I have a lot of sleeping to catch up since I stopped my job. I have also watched a lot of movies on TV, so many late nights too.
So soon this year is over. I guess the top topics have been the coronavirus and US presidential elections. The other world news is all a blur to me. Personally, I had the job and then got laid off for a while. Then back to work. Now that is over. In private life, my dad had a falling accident about a month ago and then he went to a hip operation. Now he is in rehabilitation so I’ve been at my dad’s place. He’s probably coming back home this week. I’ve also been visiting him at the hospital. With a mask on, of course. So that’s about it.
Christmas is around the corner. It’s gonna be at home after some years of a break. Of course, it would be nice to go somewhere but, you know, the coronavirus is something not to be messed with. I for one don’t want it. Luckily I haven’t even got the cold which is great. I hope it won’t come either. I hate a stuffed nose and the sneezing. The coronavirus has gotten worse in Finland. One day there were over 400 who got it. There are still people who don’t wear a mask but they have their reasons. It’s not really comfortable but it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I don’t go anywhere anyway. Only to the store and visiting my dad at the hospital. I try to avoid people as much as I can. But I do that other times too anyway. I don’t actually mind this coronavirus. I don’t like touching things with bare hands and don’t care much about hugging either. I never got that handshake thing either. You can greet someone with just a ‘Hi’ and that’s it. The Japanese don’t use handshakes so why should I.
Only a swish and then the year is over. I don’t plan anything. I live in the present. I’ve thought about a few things what I could do. One of them is if I should get a driver’s license after all. My dad has always been the driver so I haven’t needed one. But now when he’s getting older and he can’t drive forever. I tried to get one when I was younger but I didn’t finish it. My mother was disappointed to spend all that money on it. But I realized I was too afraid to drive. Maybe I just wasn’t ready. What worries me is that I might not be ready this time either. I have gone without a license this long and I haven’t needed one. My mother never had one either. A lot of people don’t even want one. You can’t always get a ride where you want. When you go by public transport the problem is the schedules and other people. I don’t need a car because I can always borrow or rent one. My dad doesn’t want to drive long-distances anymore so maybe if I did have a license, we could drive somewhere the way we used to. The driving schools are much different than they were over 20 years ago or so. Sometimes I think I don’t really need a license but then there are days when I wish I had. Getting a job would probably be much easier too. At least there would be more options. If you feel too much pressure to drive on the street with others, then maybe having a driver’s license isn’t a good idea. Since I already been to driving school, driving would be easier to learn. I still remember how to start a car. The biggest problem would probably be the tests. I failed them so many times last time and you had to pay for them each time. That’s where the money went. I really have to think about what to do with this. Maybe that’s my goal in the summer of 2021. That and maybe find something to do for a living.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother doing anything. Doing things for yourself is not always enough. You need that certain approval from others. I feel I’m being ignored. No matter what I do I don’t get noticed. I think I’m not good at anything. Maybe it’s silly to feel like I don’t matter because I know I do. My last job proved it. Maybe I’m the only one who thinks I have a talent and I don’t give anyone that wow feeling about the things I do. Sometimes I get ideas but they don’t last very long. Then I just lose motivation. This is what I feel when it comes to design or posting things on social media. If I don’t get many likes to things I do as a hobby, it’s OK because I don’t get paid for it. But if it was something professional it would be a bigger deal. That’s one of the reasons why it’s tough for me to begin with anything on my own.
I got an email from Helsinki Design School where I studied both photography and graphic design, where they asked if any former or current students have become entrepreneurs and how their studies in school have helped them. In the email, there were questions to be answered. One of them was, “At what stage did you start your business?” I still haven’t started even if I had thought about it several times since that school. I thought about starting something during the education but nothing happened. I realised I couldn’t concentrate on two things at the same time. I just didn’t have the strength. Now when I don’t have a job anymore, I could begin with something. But then comes this doubt I’m not good enough. I feel I don’t belong with the other people who do design of some sort. A voice is saying in the back of my head, you’re not good enough to be a designer, stick to your day job. It’s not my mind saying it, it’s what others might think of me. Even in school in Helsinki, I felt others were so much better than me. When I post my work on social media I only get one or two likes. If I’m lucky three. If I don’t get many likes, how will I get clients? There are designers who have much more experience than I have. The competition is so hard so I don’t think I’m not good enough. No employers are lining up behind me either so there is no hope of finding a job in design.
If someone could paint their love all over my world and prove to me I got what it takes, maybe then I would be more confident about the things I do. Not just by one person but by several people. Being an entrepreneur is not only about knowing how to do things, but it’s also getting new ideas which I’m not that good at. I’m not a risktaker so it’s much tougher for me to start anything. Right now there are some personal things going on so I don’t want to think about what to do next.
I’m back to blogging again. Even if it’s has become a short blog post. At least this one is. So the job ended on Monday (October 26) The rest of the contract were holidays. Not the going somewhere kind though. I’m actually relieved I can wake up late again. Going to a job was great but I think I got everything I wanted from there. The contract was shorter because of the coronavirus. I’ve got some more job experience which was one of my goals. If I was offered to continue at the place I wouldn’t have wanted. I really didn’t get things from the job I wanted. The waking up early and going to work was too much to do more than I had to. I was always so tired after work. I really don’t know how someone can have a part-time business while working at a full day job. I was dead tired afterwards and it was only a part-time job. The workplace wasn’t really far but still, it was quite stressful to go there every morning. Even with the bus. I can’t take that for long. Especially when there were days at work where there was nothing to do.
During the job the anticipation was good. I was glad I got something to do. But then it turns to be a bit disappointing. I really didn’t get to do my own things. Things had to be done in a certain way. Written in a certain way and so on. I couldn’t express myself the way I expected. It wasn’t the workplace fault though. It’s just the way workplaces work. I wanted to be more independent but now I had to do what they wanted me to do. I didn’t dare to do anything without asking if I did things right. So the job was good while it lasted but I wouldn’t want to go back to that anymore. It was time to move on. I don’t know what yet but it won’t be searching for a job for a while.