Two identities in one

April 14, 2016 MiaLeave a comment

I am a Gemini, there for I have 2 identities. One is the identity at home, the other is the one I show people. In a way I do have 3 but the 3rd is something no one knows about. Sounds like I have an identity crisis 😀 Or a multi personality disorder or hiding from the law but that’s not it. I know who I am and what I’m like. I’ve never had problems with my identity. I’m proud of who I am and where I come from. Problems are elsewhere.

I’ve always been careful and sometimes too much. I think it has to do with loosing someone at a very young age. Sometimes I think what kind of person I would be if my sister lived. Maybe I would have been more outgoing or maybe braver than I am now. It’s kind if unnecessary to think what could have been. You can’t change the past. My mother said once, maybe if she had done things differently I could have been less sensitive. But it wasn’t her fault. I don’t blame anyone. Not even those people who hurt me emotionally in school. It’s just the way things went and there’s nothing to do then go forward. It has taken years to realise that I am what I am and I should be proud to be different. Because that’s what my identity is.

I’ve always felt I was smarter than other people at my age. In the teenage years others smoked and drank because they thought that’s the only way to have fun. For me that was stupid. Especially smoking. I’ve never tried it because what’s the point. I won’t gain anything from that. I hated disco’s in school and I was glad I was never invited to parties. I was once but that was because of pity but I said no. It was just a ‘get drunk’ party anyway. I hate that stuff. I don’t feel I’ve missed anything. You can’t miss something you never had.

When people first meet me, they get the impression this is how I am all the time. You won’t get to see the person I am by just one meeting. That’s the reason I probably find it hard to find a job. My first impression is not the best. You get to know me step by step. Even then you really won’t know what I’m really like. Introversion is part of my identity. I chose who I open up too. It has to do with not trusting people completely. Once you get hurt by others, you’ll be careful the rest of your life. But that’s my identity. It’s nothing personal.

I’m also stubborn. You can’t force me to do things I don’t want to. I do them in my own time. If it’s really important I can do them straight away. But don’t rush me. I hate rushing things. You don’t want to see my dark side. People who doesn’t know me thinks I’m quiet and serious but at home I’m totally the opposite. I’m opinionated and swear like a sailor (almost 😀 ) But I can also be playful and childlike but that’s a side I only show people I really know.

When I look myself in a mirror I see a different person. What I feel inside and the way I look, doesn’t go together. That’s one of the reasons I don’t like mirrors. I feel confident inside but when it comes to my looks, I feel insecure. I prefer being behind the camera instead of being at the front. I don’t post photos of me online but that’s a choice. I don’t want to be like everybody else. I dare to be different. I want people to know my mind and see what I’m good at. That’s part of my identity.

Mission Job Search

April 12, 2016 MiaLeave a comment

Today the career coaching course was over. In a way I did learn a lot of about job search but there’s also things I already knew from a preview job search course I’ve attended before. The most depressive thing was to look for a job practise when the places I went to ask was a ‘No’ everywhere. So I didn’t get any. I felt really down. All kind of negative things came to mind. One of them was I’m useless and a coward that won’t get anything done. The worst thing was to get in touch with companies. Calling a stranger is hell. Also going to new places terrified me. It took a few days to pick up the nerve. I hated the whole process. The career coach got me a place in a creative cooperative branch and I had to contact them myself. To make a long story short. I got an appointment there and went. It was only for a couple of hours but I got some new info about how a cooperative works and what they do. I was mainly interested in photography but they were busy elsewhere. I still got to know about clothes designing which was also interesting. The girls (most of them are) there were really nice. I felt really relaxed and I wasn’t nervous about asking questions. A cooperative could be an option if I don’t find work elsewhere.

So what am I going to do next? I don’t really know what I’m doing even if it says so in the photo of my T-shirt. During this course I was looking for a job and studying wasn’t on my agenda. I’ve studied so much before and it was getting boring. There’s also a lot of other dilemmas about starting with study things again. Like financial and travelling arrangements. I’ve looked through different educations just to see what’s out there. I came across a web- designer vocational examination. The school is in a small town in Western Finland which means I have to live in a dorm. I hated that when I studied. The education takes 9 months. It’s not even sure I get into the school so it’s too early to worry about that. There’s a same kind of schooling in my city but it’s longer and it doesn’t have photography like this one. It also starts next year when this begins in August 2016. It’s kind of easy to apply. There are no assignments. You only need to fill a form online and then they interview the applicants. Easy-peasy. I thought I would expand my skills. Since I’ve already studied some of the subjects they teach there, it won’t be too difficult.

My other mission is to get an internship. It could be one of the companies I went to when looking for a job practise. I won’t mention any names. I can tell you it’s a digital marketing agency. You can send them an open application via email. Maybe they only take students though. But it’s worth a try. If you don’t try, you’ll never know. I know what kind of things you should write in applications like that but how to put them in words to convince them, that’s another story. I don’t exactly have experience in marketing even though it has been part of my studies. Of course there other companies where they also have some kind of photography. Advertisement agencies, graphic design etc.
Getting an internship in a photography studio seems impossible. There’s not many in my city. If you ask one and they say ‘no can do’ then they all say that. I’m not really into that studio stuff anyway. Portrait photography? Wedding? Pets? It seems that’s the photography most people do and honestly, that’s boring. But in a studio you learn the technical stuff so not everything is bad.

I’ve learned photography won’t be my main profession and maybe not at all. I’m not very ambitions and the competition out there is so stressful. I don’t think I’m even that good to become a pro. Besides I can so many different things and it feels like I’ll miss those things if I only concentrate one thing. I still want to do photography but other things too. If this really were a perfect world, I would travel around the continent and become friends with every person I like. But this is real life and to become a complete human being, you need to have goals in life. Mine comes in small doses. Dream big, they say. But I just dream.

Concealing my identity

March 29, 2016 Mia1 Comment

It’s not you, it’s me. No, this post is not about dating 😉 It’s about concealing my identity online. Some people post almost anything about themselves on the internet which takes all the mystery out of a person. If you reveal everything about yourself, there’s nothing more to tell. Photos of yourself online can also lead to problems. Anyone can use them for profit or use them for other things. Once you post photos, they stay online forever even if you delete them. I don’t want that much attention so that’s one of the reasons why I don’t post photos of myself. Besides I prefer being behind the camera.

I want to conceal some things from others. I rather reveal what I’m thinking and not even all of my thoughts sees the daylight. Some things should remain private. If I reveal my real identity, it’s to a person I know very well. The reason is not that I want to be something I’m not or that I have secrets. It’s more about me being a private person. Internet is a big place and a lot people want to take advantage of you. If people really knew what goes in my head in certain things, they probably wouldn’t understand.

You see people tweeting or in Facebook about their lives but I’m not that kind of person. I even feel uncomfortable when people look at me so why would I post photos of me online. When people say they don’t want to join the social media because they think their identity will be revealed. I don’t understand why they complain about that. You don’t have to put anything about yourself. You have a choice what to write about. Dare to be different. Don’t be those selfie posters. You don’t have to. I’ve gone without it so far and that hasn’t done me any harm. Of course it’s a different matter if you don’t really need to join. But in today’s society using social media is an advantage. Especially in getting a job. Via social media you also get information about the world quicker. If I didn’t use it, I would never had known there are people out there who really can relate to me and I can relate to them. Since I don’t travel that much, I’ve also “met” other nationalities through it.

I might not reveal details about me and my life that much but I still get by. Writing about experiences I’ve had and thoughts about things has reached to other people. That’s what blogging is all about. I don’t need to brag around the internet. Concealing your identity is not a bad thing. It’s a choice which anyone can do if they only want to. If you want to be like everybody else that’s alright too. But again, dare to be different. That’s what makes life interesting.