Envy comes in different levels. There’s bad envy. Jealousy more like it. A person who does everything to destroy another person’s confidence. Those are the worst. Then there’s mild envy. You’re happy for them but at the same time you’re envious and wish you could have the same thing as they do. E.g. A new job, new love or special skills.
I mostly envy people who are confident talking to almost anyone without having to worry about what to say. They get friends easily and are quick-witted. When I meet new people I always think long and hard what to say before I open my mouth. This causes trouble. I could go for a week without saying anything to anyone but when I finally pick up the courage, it’s already too late. I think too much about what others think about me. It used to feel even worse when I was younger. It still feels unnatural when I talk to strangers. Don’t get me started on team work or presentations. That’s the worst thing I know.
I also envy those who are good with words. I don’t know any fancy words. Sometimes I can’t describe things. Even writing this blog is a pain. Especially since it’s in English. Not even in my native language. I use online translations and a dictionary a lot. In this post too. So many things are going on in my head so I can’t focus on one thing at once. I wish I could be as good as those who writes great blog posts. At least better than I am now.
I’ve thought about changing things on this blog. Maybe rewrite the About me page and change the subjects on this blog. I don’t really write much about things I like anymore. The whole concept of this blog is kind of boring to be honest. This is what I envy about other blog keepers. They know what kind of subjects they want to write about and they stick to it. Mine is all over the place. I don’t want to be like any other though. Recently I have focused on job search and the course I’m on. I still want this blog to be about things I like but it should focus on one or two things. Maybe help someone on the way. The problem is my interests are so wide and it’s difficult to choose. I wish I wasn’t so indecisive. I really envy those who know what they want.
Envy is one of the seven deadly sins but how deadly is it? Envy in small doses can be healthy. It motivates you to continue whatever you’re doing. As long as it doesn’t turn into jealousy. No one wants to be around a person like that who doesn’t have respect for others.
Ever felt you wish you could just drop a subject? If it’s conversation with someone. Maybe an argument you’re having with a loved one or a friend. Whatever it is, you wish just to move on and drop the whole thing.
This is what I feel about finding a work practise place. I’m fed up with it all. Everywhere it’s a no. It’s unhuman to be rejected over and over again. I haven’t even done anything wrong. I do understand it’s difficult times for companies to take employers. Even if it’s for free. But as an introvert it’s draining to go and ask to different places. Having to repeat things over and over. Everything goes well in my head.
Today for an example. I went to a photography studio to ask but they couldn’t offer me anything. I knew it would be impossible but still I was disappointed. When I do I’ll get sad and I don’t feel like doing anything. I feel all that studying I’ve done, they’ve all gone to waste. Fall into despair even. It feels so depressing and I feel like I’m gonna stay unemployed the rest of my life. Nothing just doesn’t seem to go my way. People say I shouldn’t give up but still it feels hopeless. I’m just not ambitions enough. If it’s no can do everywhere, I’m not motivated to continue because what’s the point wasting time and energy on searching. All that walking around is exhausting as well. I rather do something more useful. Like writing my CV or something like that.
When I don’t get any work experience in photography even that feels a waste of time. Maybe I should just keep it as a hobby since it feels impossible to become more than that. I don’t know what I else I could do. Everything else feels so boring. I’m a restless soul. I need change and freedom of some sort. Even if photography sometimes makes me frustrated, it does give me satisfaction. I just don’t know if I really want to do that for a living. To become good you need to practise but I’m not that dedicated. I’m not getting any younger but who says only young people are allowed to become pro. I might not be good enough among those really good one’s but I do deserve to get at least one chance.
It would be easy to just drop the whole subject and start to think about something else. But I’ve thought about what I want to do since I was a teen and I’m tired of it. If I dropped photography altogether (not as a hobby though) just because there’s not enough work, it would be the easy way out. It seems creative work in general is hard to find. You need to be really good to stand out. You also need to be quite competitive and that’s something I lack. Maybe it would be better if I just drop out of that game.