Envy comes in different levels. There’s bad envy. Jealousy more like it. A person who does everything to destroy another person’s confidence. Those are the worst. Then there’s mild envy. You’re happy for them but at the same time you’re envious and wish you could have the same thing as they do. E.g. A new job, new love or special skills.

I mostly envy people who are confident talking to almost anyone without having to worry about what to say. They get friends easily and are quick-witted. When I meet new people I always think long and hard what to say before I open my mouth. This causes trouble. I could go for a week without saying anything to anyone but when I finally pick up the courage, it’s already too late. I think too much about what others think about me. It used to feel even worse when I was younger. It still feels unnatural when I talk to strangers. Don’t get me started on team work or presentations. That’s the worst thing I know.

I also envy those who are good with words. I don’t know any fancy words. Sometimes I can’t describe things. Even writing this blog is a pain. Especially since it’s in English. Not even in my native language. I use online translations and a dictionary a lot. In this post too. So many things are going on in my head so I can’t focus on one thing at once. I wish I could be as good as those who writes great blog posts. At least better than I am now.

I’ve thought about changing things on this blog. Maybe rewrite the About me page and change the subjects on this blog. I don’t really write much about things I like anymore. The whole concept of this blog is kind of boring to be honest. This is what I envy about other blog keepers. They know what kind of subjects they want to write about and they stick to it. Mine is all over the place. I don’t want to be like any other though. Recently I have focused on job search and the course I’m on. I still want this blog to be about things I like but it should focus on one or two things. Maybe help someone on the way. The problem is my interests are so wide and it’s difficult to choose. I wish I wasn’t so indecisive. I really envy those who know what they want.

Envy is one of the seven deadly sins but how deadly is it? Envy in small doses can be healthy. It motivates you to continue whatever you’re doing. As long as it doesn’t turn into jealousy. No one wants to be around a person like that who doesn’t have respect for others.