Month: June 2016

I belong to the city

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beginningI’m born in a city and I’m gonna die in a city. I’m not into big cities like Helsinki, Stockholm or those with millions of people. I can visit them but I wouldn’t want to live in them. I’m born in a city which isn’t small but it’s not big either. The less public transport I need, the better. I’ve lived in a smaller one when I studied and I hated it. There was nothing to do. Only a few shops and even the dorm was boring. Luckily I didn’t have to stay there at the weekend. There were not even internet at the time that could have kept me entertained. After that experience I decided I would never study in a small town again. Even if I did a few times after that though. But that’s another story.

I belong to the city but sometimes I wish I could live in the country. Even then the city shouldn’t be too far away. People in the city seem to care more about themselves than others. Those smokers especially bother me. They don’t care about the environment one bit. There are who does but they’re rare. They throw their butts on the ground which is really disgusting and you can’t walk anywhere, not even in the forest, without having to see that poisonous garbage on the ground. City people also make a lot of noise, not forgetting to mention the traffic. Blasting music from the cars, throwing trash out of the window and not respecting pedestrians. People can also be rude and not even a thank you if you keep the door open for them. Some of them don’t obey rules. It’s seem city people are more stressed than country folk. There’s just too many people in the city.

A city has so much more to offer than in the country. There are more opportunities and things to do. I like a city where the nature is close and you don’t need a car or use public transport to get there. I love cycling and especially when there’s not much traffic. In a big city there’s always someone around and you can’t get no peace and quiet. But if the nature is near, you can always get there to cool yourself down. I’ve always lived near a park with a lot of different activities. There are football fields, a swimming stadium, a bowling alley, a pod with different birds and goats, ice rings in the winter or you can just walk around. Or you can just sit on a bench or sitting on the grass watching the world go by. All of this are in a walking distance and that’s something you won’t find in many big cities. If you want to find a beach, just take your bike or take the bus and you’re there in no time.

I’m a city girl through and through. You can take me out of the city but you can never take the city out of me.

 

Tallenna

What comes natural to you, comes unnatural to me

Mia2 Comments

summerlovinHave anyone said to you how easy it is to do things? How easy it is to become friends with strangers. Easy to learn a new language, play a new instrument etc. For some its second nature but what comes natural to you, comes unnatural to me.

I don’t know how I had friends when I was a child. When I tried to get a new friend as I got older, it felt unnatural. It only feels weird if I talk to people I’ve just met. I never seem to know what to say. I hate starting conversations because I feel its forced and I don’t do anything I don’t feel like doing. Talking about anything is waste of energy. I need a good reason to start a conversation and not because I need to talk to people. People seem to talk about things I really don’t care about. That’s one of the reasons I don’t have any friends. I haven’t found a single person who has the same interest as me. Not even online. I’m also not at the same level most are at my age. Even if I did have a job or somewhere to study, becoming friends with someone is an impossible task. I prefer being by myself because that’s what feels natural to me. Having other people around is good from time to time but me-time is more important. If people only would understand that being social is not about being talkative. I might be quiet but I’m not mute. Maybe I’m just a boring person so no one bothers to get to know me.

Other thing that feels unnatural to me, is marketing my skills. There are 3 questions I especially don’t know what to reply to. Telling about myself, what can I offer to a company and why should I be hired. I’ve tried to write down what I’m good at but I never get much written down. It’s much easier to write down weaknesses. Bragging is not natural in the Finnish culture. We tend to put our skills down instead of praising them. I’m good at many things but nothing I can do perfectly. I haven’t achieved anything I could put in my CV. Writing applications is a pain since I’m not sure if my skills are good enough. For some people it’s easy to know what they want and can do. For them its natural but not for me.

What does feel natural to me is writing fan fiction or blogging. It’s my way to express myself. I might not be the best but I’m good enough to have it as a hobby. I also know it feels natural to photograph. It’s the best when you don’t need to think about technical things and just click away. As soon as I start to think about shutter speed and aperture, it frustrates me. It’s then it doesn’t feel natural. I just can’t that technical stuff stuck in my brain no matter how much I try to practise.
My computer skills feels natural too but that’s because I’ve used it since the 90’s. I’m no computer nerd and I can’t fix it if it breaks. But when it comes to using programs and the internet, that comes naturally to me.

Tallenna

Tallenna

The struggle within me

Mia3 Comments

reflectionsMy whole life’s been a struggle. I’m surprised I’m still alive. I think everyone has had days where they wish they were never born. Especially in your teenage years and you’re trying to find yourself. There were times I wished I would be dead. I’ve never tried to end it all but it had entered my mind when things didn’t go the way I wanted. They were only thoughts. I’ve never been that depressed. I always found reasons to live. That’s what life is about. You have your struggles but you still go on.

The worst struggle I’ve had, has been (and still is) what kind of job I want to do. Maybe I’m too picky but I have an indecisive mind. I really don’t know what I want to do. My interest changes daily and I get bored easily. I don’t know what my strengths are either. My mother said to me a lot of times, any job is good because at least that’s a start. That’s been my problem, I’m not a risk taker. I’ve never been the one who tries new things easily. It’s part of being an introvert. I’m always worried about things beforehand. Everything looks good in my head but I never have enough courage to do anything about it. Maybe because I’m lazy or afraid I’ll get stuck in a rut. My dreams have been dashed because there’s always something that gets in the way. If it’s personal issues or some other issues. That’s the reason I don’t dream about anything anymore. I’ve been disappointed at myself so many times. Anything is possible if you put your mind to it, doesn’t really describe me. I’m not an ambitious person and a go-getter. I feel comfortable in my little bubble and would rather not get out of my comfort zone. Maybe I would if there were a person who could get me out of my shell from time to time. But the struggle within me, will only give that person more stress.

Life shouldn’t be struggle all the time but my life seems to be. Even writing this post is a struggle. My thoughts are everywhere and it’s not easy to stay on point. This struggle is nothing compared to the struggle people face in the world right now though. That’s a real struggle. Mine is only a fight against myself and that’s my problem.

Tallenna