I have all these thoughts that simmer in my mind about what I want to do in life. It’s a deep blue pool but I don’t seem to find a lifebelt to save me from drowning. When I do get an idea out there, it seems to disappear into outer space with the rest of them. It’s difficult to stay positive when life gives you sour grapes. I keep searching for something but I don’t know what it really is. I used to have doubts about this blog too. I didn’t think it would get this far but I didn’t give up. People have found it even if it did take about 4 years or so. At least it feels that long. I wish I could be as patient as I have been with blogging. It feels like my life is getting shorter and I don’t have time to do anything before I leave this earth. But it’s not the end. I still have at least 30 years left of working years.
My life hasn’t been the way I expected it to be. I thought I would have a career by now but it’s not even close. I have no special goals and I have no ambition. People at a young age know what they want to do and they get to a position where they get experience. There’s a lot of younger people than myself who works in web design and they’ve come much further because they started when they were in their 20’s. I’m not even sure now if I really want to be a web designer. It felt like a good idea earlier in the year but now my uncertainty has come back. Maybe I’m just afraid to start anything. Now I don’t have a teacher to help me. Everything seems easy in my head but when the time comes to do something, I back off. I wrote about the life after web design education in my other blog so I don’t want to repeat things.
You might think only ordinary people have problems getting started but it can happen to anyone. Even the most obvious ones. For example, you would think someone like Tom Hiddleston would have got movie roles easily but it isn’t so. They say he wasn’t made for the big screen and that he wouldn’t get roles in blockbuster movies. Or something like that. If he had given up a movie career, it would have been a great loss for all of us who like him. No one has said to me I can’t do it but I can imagine how it would feel like. When I hear stories like that, it gives me motivation to not give up. If I only had the courage to do something instead of complaining about how difficult things are. Maybe they’re not at all but my subconscious is holding me back. I got through difficult times before and I conquered them all. What I plan to do next shouldn’t be impossible. It might simmer but not boiling over. I need to stay grounded and better things will follow.