Tag: about me

Buddy X

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Nori watching the rain
Nori watching the rain

I’ve never had a buddy and still don’t. My real buddies have been stuffed animals. They’re a substitute for a real pet. My sister was allergic so we couldn’t have any so we didn’t get one later either. Besides having a pet takes a lot of time and money. I always wanted a bunny but they need attention and I’m never at home. Maybe one day when I’m old and retired I’ll get one. I don’t think I’m missed anything for not having a pet. It just hasn’t been an issue. I’ve also been a bit afraid of animals so that’s another reason.

I’ve never had a human buddy. Those kids I grew up with have their own lives. I’ve never been in touch with them either. I don’t need to have a buddy. I’ve managed without one. I don’t really like get to know people in real life. I never talk to strangers. I’m an introvert after all. I never know what to say to people. I hate small talk and I become reserved even in small crowds. That’s why I love the internet. It’s easier to find people with the same interests as me and also from other countries. In a way blogging and social media are my buddies. It’s the safest way. I’m a loner and it would just be too stressful if I had buddies outside the internet. They would probably call all the time and disturb my concentration. It might sound harsh but if you’ve been alone as long as I have, you’ll get used to it. Sometimes I do wish I had a buddy but that feeling doesn’t take long. There are more advantages than disadvantages for not having a buddy. For someone who is used to having people around, this kind of thinking might sound depressing but for me it’s not. It’s liberating and stress free. Other people are just a burden.

I like being around people but only if there are people I know. Other times I feel uncomfortable. I have difficulties to go up to a person and talk to them. So how could I even find a buddy when I terrible at it. Some have no problems at all. I envy those people. If I do talk to a stranger, it always feel embarrassing afterwards. It just doesn’t come naturally to me. Finding a buddy and then keep one is another matter. Maybe I’m just bad at keeping in touch with people. Even if I did follow them on social media, I don’t really write to them. It just feels weird to do so. But what can you do.

 

I’m creative because I can

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Some are good in Math. Some are good at singing. Some can write music. Some can drive a Formula 1 car. Some are good at sports. But I’m good at creative things. Being creative doesn’t only mean drawing or painting very well. I can’t do any of those. You can be creative in a lot of things.

On Discover the subject is, why do you create? I could concentrate on why I write or why I photograph but since I can do more than just that, I’ll mix them up. Writing and photography do go hand in hand when it comes to blogging. Those are not the reasons why I do it. I’m only not  writing a blog but I also write fan fiction. Will come to that later. Writing is my way of expressive myself and also write down things I think about. It’s easier to write than talk. If you talk to a person there might be things you forget to say but when you write, you have time to think. That’s one the reasons why I write. Other reason is that it’s fun. You get creative when you think about different things. It starts with a thought and when you write it down it comes reality. Writing has taught me about story telling. There’s a start, a middle and an ending. I’ve also studied journalism and screen play writing which has also helped me. I’ve written since I was 7 years old. I used to have diaries where I wrote about my thoughts and what I’ve been through. Even about crushes I had. It’s kind of funny to read them now.

I’ve been writing fan fiction for years in English. Sometimes I also read them. It’s a great way to learn the language. I mostly write RPF (real person fiction) but I’ve tried a couple of other genres to. I write them because it’s fun and you learn how to write fiction. I only do it as a hobby. I don’t want to become an author. I’ve got so many ideas in my head so have to write them down. Like in blogging, it’s a way to express myself and get thoughts written down. Some read books, some write them. I read fan fiction and I write them. If I wouldn’t write down my imagination, I would go mad.
I mostly read RPF because that’s what I write. I’m not a fan of slash fiction because it’s just weird to read them.
Sometimes I post my fics online if I think they’re good enough. Sometimes I just write for myself. Don’t ask me where I get my inspiration from because that’s a bit private. I can tell you it’s about the person I’m writing about. Enough said. If someone doesn’t know who the person I’m writing about is, begins to get interest in them after reading my fics, then I’ve done something right. It has happened to me recently. I’ve read some fan fiction about an actor I have never paid that much attention to before. But now I see them in a totally different light after reading those. And the fics are made up and has nothing to do with the real person. Which can be a bit strange since it’s not really them.

Photography used to be something I did when I was on vacation or on events. It was never my hobby. I only started it as a hobby in later years. The first photo I took was when I was 6 years old. We were on holiday in Europe after my sister passed away. The 2 photos I took were taken in Switzerland or maybe it was Austria. It was a film camera so one of them was a bit blurry.
In 1990 I got my first own film camera. One of the first photos I took was only test photos but later I took it with me on holidays. Then it broke so the only camera I had was a video camera (which I also know how to use). The quality wasn’t the best. I became more interested in photography in 2001. I even went to school to study it but I quit because it wasn’t as I expected it to be. One of the teacher’s was old-school and refused to have anything to do with digital photography. Film was the one and only for him. That was one of the reason why I didn’t think photography was my thing after all. I wanted to become pro but this school just spoiled it all.
I only took up photography as a hobby in 2007 and 2008 I bought a DSLR because that’s what was recommended to me. People have also liked my photography but if the photo are professional enough, it’s a different matter. I don’t only want to take photos to my blog but also more professional one’s. I don’t know if I want to become a pro anymore because then you should photograph all the time. But something with photography would be nice.
When I haven’t photographed in ages, I can feel it in my bones. If I don’t have a camera then I use my tablet even if the quality in that isn’t the best. I would never had thought photography would be so important to me. Digital photography really has opened a lot of opportunities. Without that I would probably not be as eager as I am now. It gives you freedom to move around and make other people happy with your photos. So even if I don’t get paid to do it, photography will always be my main priority.

I always wanted to have a creative job so I’ve had problems finding my niche. Maybe I’m too picky but other kind of jobs bore me. I couldn’t do non-creative things for very long. I’ve studied graphic design but I can’t draw and I’m not very good at planning things either. I’m a creative person but not as creative as I liked. If I was, I would probably have a job by now. Creativity is not about getting your bills paid, it’s about the feeling you get when you create something. So I create because I can.

Introversion is a risky business

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risks
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-introverts-corner/201301/introverts-and-risk-look-think-leap

Who knows more about introversion than a person who is? I can’t begin to imagine how an extrovert feels because I’ve never been one. How many introverts have heard, “why are you so quiet?” or “you don’t say much”? A few years ago I didn’t even think about what introversion was. The word didn’t belong in my vocabulary. I just thought I was shy and reserved. I was but it was a risky business. Or lack of it more like it. I wanted to say to  people I’m not quiet. I just chose who I talk to. If a conversation wasn’t interesting enough, of course I wouldn’t say anything. Why would I care about subjects that doesn’t interest me? If extroverts don’t know how to stop, then what’s the point of an introvert to interrupt their conversations? We do have manners after all.

As an introvert, risk taking is not my strongest suit. I missed a lot of things because I was too worried about taking a chance. I wanted to study abroad when I was a teenager but my mother thought it was too expensive and it was. I could have gone when I had my own money but I never did. I just accepted I would never get a chance. Introversion was part of my cowardness.

If you don’t take risks, you’ll have a wasted soul. – Drew Barrymore

That’s the story of my life. Things are easier said than done. When someone says you should call that and that person, it’s easy to say, just do it. But for an introvert it’s not. I hate the feeling I get when I’m suppose to call a stranger. I’m really nervous. I think about what to say for a long time. Then I start to think about all kinds of scenarios of what could happen. I’m so worried I’ll screw up or get misunderstood. I would lose a lot of job opportunities this way if I had any. I’m just not a risk taker.

I’ve had taken some small risks. I did get an education. I took a risk to apply to Helsinki Design School to study photography and I got in without any help to fill the application. I did call that digital marketing company and got an interview. I didn’t get any work practise but I was proud of myself for taking that step to call a stranger. Those are risks some people might see it as a no brainer but for me it was an accomplishment. Even going to the store to buy a TV is risk taking. I’m not socially awkward and don’t suffer from anxiety, I just feel uncomfortable around strangers. That’s why I prefer buying things online.

It’s better be safe than sorry. People who take big risks, end up disappointed more often. I rather do things properly than do things on a whim. I think long and hard when I want to buy something expensive. Even if I was a millionaire I would still do things that way. I want to buy quality and not because I must have things.
Having this blog is a risk itself. I do reveal things about myself I wouldn’t normally do with people I’ve never met. As a private person it’s an achievement to be this open about things. As open as I’ve been so far at least. I still want to keep stuff to myself though. That’s a risk I’m willing to take. Not bad for an introvert, right?