I didn’t know what pensive meant so I looked it up online.

The definition of pensive is feeling
sad while deep in thought.

I don’t usually become sad after thinking. On the contrary, it helps me go through things. Last time I felt sad after thinking was when I was supposed to find a practise place but it was a no can do everywhere. There were a few other places I could have asked but I never got that far because I didn’t want to get another rejection. I just chickened out which made me depressed. I’m felt like a failure who’ll never get anywhere because I can’t do one simple thing. I could have just walked into a company and ask but I was over thinking it again.

That’s what I do, think too much. I think about what ifs instead of taking a chance. I can never do anything spontaneous. I analyze everything in my head first. I’m a thinker, not a doer. Everything looks good in my head but I’m never brave enough to do anything. If I plan to go somewhere I keep thinking, should I or should I not. When I think too much about it, I rather do it some other time or not at all. I’ve missed a lot of opportunities because I can’t decide. Also because I’m such a coward. I worry I do something wrong or afraid of failure. I don’t actually no why it feels that way. It’s not the end of the world but still I think too much about things.

I can never achieve anything special because of this over thinking curse I have. I never have many problems when it comes to daily things (what to buy etc.) but when it comes to big decisions, I’m useless at it. If someone asked me to marry them I would probably over think it. Or if I was offered a job I would do the same. Even this post makes me over think so my head starts to hurt. That’s what makes me think of pensive and maybe it does makes me feel a little sad.