Stuck in a rut. Going nowhere. Stand still. Going around in circles. You name it. My life is a circle. Nothing really exciting happens and when it does, it always ends. It’s not like I want to have excitement in my life. But it would be nice to have something. Especially earning my own money. I haven’t found a job and it’s already October (tomorrow) I sleep late and when I wake up, half the day is gone. I do work better in the evening but then I’m lazy and rather watch something online instead. It’s useless to wake up early in the morning when I don’t have a reason to. I also go to bed late. Sometimes I’m still up at 4 am. I sleep really well but it’s going to bed early which is the problem.
Thinking about what I did this year, I had a few highlights. I graduated to be a web designer, went to my first ever live concert (Robbie Williams) and holiday in Stockholm. But that’s as far as excitement goes. After that, I’ve been back in the same circle again. It seems I can’t get anything started. Job search is a pain. There’s nothing in my city that I could even consider applying for. I don’t want to move to another city. I’m such a coward to start something on my own. I dislike the whole job search process. All the applications, cover letter, resume etc. Not forgetting the possible interview you might get. Trying to impress the employer is not easy. It would be better to have a client you work for where your skills that matter the most. I’m very indecisive about what I want to do right now job wise and it seems I can’t decide until next year. I just hope I won’t forget what I learned in the web design education. Of course, there are still months to go so you never know what could happen.
I found a way out of the circle when I began to study but now I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to study all my life in a school. It’s frustrating to study all these things and not getting anywhere. I haven’t awestruck anyone with my skills. At least not careerwise. I’ll never be lucky enough to be “discovered” and experience amazing things. All I really want is to get away from this circle I live in, at least for a while. I don’t need much to be happy. As long as I have my health, a roof over my head and enough money to get by.
I don’t see myself as a witty person. Sometimes my remarks can be funny but that doesn’t happen very often. I’m quite a serious person but I do laugh at other person’s witty remarks. I’m actually quite boring. If people talk to me I have nothing interesting to say. I’m not a good storyteller because I have never experienced any funny moments. If I have, I don’t remember any. In school classmates always had something to say to each other but I had nothing witty to say. I just don’t have it in me but that’s OK. I’m good at other things. If they only were more appreciated than being witty and socially talkative.
There are no witty remarks in this post. Not to mention other posts on this blog. Everyone doesn’t need to be witty. If this blog was a conversation in real life, there wouldn’t be this much talk. A lot of silent awkwardness for sure. Unless if it was talking about my favourite TV shows or something like that. But that’s a different kind of wittiness.
So many choices so little time. I’ve got a concentration span of a teenager. I can focus on one thing for a while but then I get bored. I’ve got a lot of different interests and I’m focused on many things. That’s one of the reasons why I find it hard to concentrate on one thing only. I couldn’t write about the same subject on this blog for example. The same goes with everything I do and like. Versatility is the key to my happiness.
When I thought about occupations when I was younger everything seemed so boring. For some, office jobs can be suitable but for me, I would get bored. I could do it for a while but not as a full-time job. Creativity has always been my thing. I can’t draw very well but I can do other things. I studied graphic design but I wasn’t very rich of ideas and I didn’t want to do it full-time. Then came photography and that was on my agenda for a long time. When I studied in Helsinki Design School, I realised I don’t want to do it all the time either. This year it was the web designer qualification. I have all these education experiences but employers care more about work experiences which I don’t have. I have a big cap in that. Last time I was anywhere was in 2012 and that wasn’t for very long. How impressive that is. Not. It makes me feel like I’m the most untalented designer out there. I can’t even call myself that. I know now what I want to do. I want to combine all three, photography, graphic design and web design. I just lack work experience. But I’m no Picasso of modern design. I’m not award winning or anything special. The competition out there is so much better than I’ll ever be.
I’m really putting myself down with this post. But I have to face the fact that I might never get a chance. I’m too unmotivated when it comes to practising. Just like any other creative jobs, to get better is to practice. I’m too lazy to do it. I plan in my head but they never come true. I should really be more focused but it’s hard to since I get distracted easily. It’s easier to watch something online or write fan fiction, then actually doing some personal design projects. I see other people’s work on Behance and think I can never become that good. You’re supposed to get inspiration from others but it just puts me down. I look at job descriptions in ads and it always contains things I can’t do. There’s no point of applying because I know I have no chance. Becoming a freelancer is also so much work so I don’t know if I can’t do it either.
There are times where I’ve lost all hope. Maybe I should become an office worker after all. When I think about my options in other occupations, I much prefer being on the creative side. I rather have a job I like then being in a job I hate. Focusing on something you like is so much easier. Design jobs are not all about having fun but it’s more enjoyable than an ordinary one.