Don’t you let your demons pull you down

November 9, 2017 MiaLeave a comment

broken egg — Post title ‘Shine’ by Take That

I’ve always been careful. Doing things gingerly has its advantages but also disadvantages. I don’t make rational decisions. I think first before acting. But if you don’t break an egg, you can’t get much. I hate myself for not taking more chances. I could be so much more but my inner demons are holding me back. I’m too afraid to fail so I don’t even try. It feels like I’m way behind everyone else. People younger than me have already achieved something in their life because they took chances. I’m a little mouse in the corner who is too scared to move. When I was younger, it was even worse. Being around people made me uncomfortable and talking to strangers felt unnatural. I think I got braver when I stopped thinking what others might think of me. Also because I had to. My mother was really important to me but when she died, I couldn’t be that scared little girl anymore. No one will never really know me the way I know myself. You can’t really walk in someone else’s shoes. The only person who can really understand you is you.

I don’t have the urge to tell the whole world what kind of person I am or what I really like. I don’t use social media like a lot of people do. If it died my life wouldn’t be over. I could live without social media. For me, it’s just a tool and my life doesn’t depend on it. I do things gingerly and think carefully what I post. I guess that’s one of the reasons why I don’t have a lot of followers. I don’t talk about too private things and I don’t post selfies of myself. But it doesn’t really matter anyway. I don’t like that much attention. I’m happy with what I have. It’s about quality. There’s no point having followers who only want to fill their own list.

There’s nothing wrong with doing things gingerly. Actually, there should be more of it in the world. There are people who want to hurt you intentionally. People only seem to care about themselves and not be sensitive. They write insults online about someone’s appearance or opinions. If they can’t say anything nice, then they shouldn’t say anything at all. If you have an opinion, you can say it nicely. Not saying anything at all is also an option. I always try to be as gingerly as possible. I’m not the one who criticize people about how they look. I can keep my opinions to myself. I’m not trying to blow my own horn here but if people were more like me, things would be much better. Sometimes it feels like I’m one of the few who still have respect for other people. Especially young people who don’t seem to have any common sense. If they even had any in the first place. They weren’t any better when I was at their age either. Luckily I wasn’t one of them.

Tallenna

I should be dancing

November 8, 2017 MiaLeave a comment

couple dancing — Lyric from ‘Dancephobia’ by Duran Duran

I can honestly say, I don’t like dancing. I like watching people dance but I don’t do it myself. I dance alone when no one sees it but that’s as far as dancing goes. I get embarrassed easily. I hated discos in school. We had those a couple of times. I dreaded the time when we had them. I couldn’t get away from it either. When someone asked me to dance, I declined. I’m sorry but I do anything so I don’t have to take part in dancing. It’s not that I can’t dance, it’s more about other people being there. When it comes to the traditional dancing, the only dance I know is the waltz. In my head, everything seems to work but when I try to dance, the reality is totally different. I can’t even try any moves Michael Jackson did. I’m amazed how people learn to dance like him.

If I got married, which will never happen, I wouldn’t dance. I’ve never been to one either but if I did, I would just watch other people dancing. Dancing isn’t my type of fun. My mother was totally different. She loved it. She danced since she was a teenager and she continued until she couldn’t anymore. She met my father at a dance. That’s how people met at the time. Maybe some still do. Dancing is a good way of staying in shape. These days when young people go out dancing, the places have too much noise. You can’t talk there without shouting and I hate that. I can’t understand how people can have a discussion in a club. If I want to meet people, I go to a place where there isn’t much noise. I like talking to people where I don’t have to repeat myself because they can’t hear.

If we danced through life, we would miss the most important things. Dancing in a sense of a metaphor. We need to stop for a while when things get hectic. Life is like dancing. There are steps you have to learn and practice to get better at it. If you lose the rhythm, you have to start again. Everyone fails from time to time but you shouldn’t stop dancing. We fall to get up again. Life is too precious to worry about things we can’t control. There are bad and good things in the world. Everything isn’t a fast dance move, you also need slow ones. I’ll never dance to someone else’s tune. Meaning, I should be dancing but on my own terms. That goes for everyone. Do what you want with your life because it’s yours and no one should tell you how to live it.

Tallenna

In the shelter of my heart

November 7, 2017 MiaLeave a comment

two love locks — Blog title from ‘Shelter’ by Duran Duran

I get weak but I never faint. Even when I fell off my bike and fractured my elbow some years ago, I didn’t faint. I could have but luckily I didn’t. It would have been a bit embarrassing if I had. I was out in public at the time. There are people who can be so nervous so they faint. I had a classmate who did that when we rehearsed for a performance in 3rd grade. I don’t know if he was nervous though. When you faint it’s because of lack of oxygen in the brain. Sometimes I do feel like I could faint but that’s only because of certain people who I find desirable.

Yesterday when I was at the movies watching Thor: Ragnarok, I could have fainted of all the beauty on the screen. Well, Loki. I laughed so hard too, I could have fainted. Luckily I was sitting down. Actually, everything Tom Hiddleston does makes me want to faint.

Some people faint when they see blood. Even if needles scare me, I never feel weak when I see one. Uncomfortable, yes but that’s about it. Since I have never fainted, I don’t know how it feels. I hope I never experience it either.