“Our list of allies grows thin”

thin eleven dice

In this case, my allies grows thin. I have no plans what to do next. Except for that graphic design course in Helsinki Design School. This heat we have now makes me tired and I can’t concentrate. It’s only May but it feels like summer. I just hate hot weather and I wish it would be over for good. At least there will be some release soon. Summer also mean summer jobs. For young people that is. People go on their holidays and you can’t contact any of the employers. Companies have their substitutes already. Time just isn’t on my side. So isn’t my age.

I’m turning 41 in June and the older I get fewer changes I have. It gets thinner and thinner. It doesn’t help last time I had a job was in 2012 and it wasn’t even paid. I had that on-the-job learning thing but I guess that’s not appreciated either. Employers probably think I’m lazy because I haven’t bothered getting a job. It doesn’t help I’ve studied things. They want people with jobs and not a long-term unemployed person. Not only that but also people with talking skills. I fail at job interviews because I’m an introvert who can’t act extroverted. When I try to find a job to apply for it’s in a different city and I’m under qualified. I got so many flaws and feel I failed at employment altogether. There is no use crying over something that has already happened. I should look forward and keep the faith.

I wish I wasn’t such a dreamer. I should do something about my life instead of complain about it. I just feel I’m a misfit for everything. There are times I’ve felt I belonged. Like in studying but when it comes to making things for a living, I’m totally in a different universe. Once in my life, I want to do something brave and being an entrepreneur is one of them. But it’s so hard to decide to do it or not. I did the course but it doesn’t mean I can really do it. I don’t want to fail and start all over again. I lack the experience of a real paid job but a lot of young people start a business without any experience so that shouldn’t be a problem for me. There are so many questions and thin answers that I don’t know what to do. I read about blogs about entrepreneurs who’s been doing it for years and they make it look so easy. They have their problems but they solve them. It feels like I don’t really belong to that brave bunch. Because they are brave unlike me who do anything to avoid problems. I don’t seem to have that entrepreneur mindset either.

Every time I look for a job to apply for I don’t find anything suitable. I want to give up the job search altogether. Especially that active model Finland has now where you have to get a job or else you lose part of your unemployment benefits. Entrepreneurship looks so much more tempting. Starting one isn’t the hardest part though, it’s what comes after it. My problems are really decision making. As long as I’m healthy and vibrant anything can be possible. If you give up and start thinking you’re not wanted anywhere, it’s then you lose yourself and your hopes will be dashed. Allies might get thin but you can always find new ones. There’s always someone with the same kind of problems. You can find a solution one way or another. The best feeling is when you can share your thoughts with other people and they can relate to it. I really hope this post has had that same effect.