When you have nothing to say

Always been a problem for me. What do people really talk about? People I’ve met have never had anything in common with me. Why would I start a conversation with people I know I have nothing to say to. In school I never had any real friends. My best friend moved to another city with her family after 1st grade. Sure I had friends after that but they were never lasting. I had to repeat 4th grade and in 5th grade it turned to hell. I wasn’t bullied physical nor verbal. It was more like whispering behind my back and excluding me from the group. Especially this one girl, who probably started it all, but I think she was just jealous or something. People like that usually have low self-esteem. I guess that experience has had some effect on me. I don’t trust people the way I used to. I have come to the conclusion that those people who did it were just jealous because I could do some things better than them. What really is disappointing, is that I didn’t get any friends in other schools either. Sometimes it feels like I’m cursed. I’ve never had any luck when it comes to friendship. But I’ve got used to it. I actually prefer to be alone. I can do what I want and go where I want. But it has its downsides too.

I just don’t know how to start a conversation. I just can’t go up to a person and say something. My mother could always do that and she wasn’t even extrovert when she was a child. She always told me, I haven’t been around people so much. That’s probably true. But if I can’t even start a conversation with strangers, how am I suppose to get used to be around people. I’ve tried to be more extrovert but no matter how I try, it always feels unnatural. It just feels awkward. It’s like trying to teach an old dog new tricks. When meeting new people, I always feel tongue-tied. I just don’t know what to say. I rather just listen and give short answers if they ask something. At least I don’t blab nonsense. If only people would understand that I can be talkative too. It just depends what subject is. People just think quiet people stay quiet. I’m not quiet, I just don’t have anything to say.