All the small things get mighty

black and red cloudsWhat you never should say to an introvert “What could go wrong?” For some small things are no big deal. But for an introvert, even the tiniest thing feels mighty. When I was younger I was worried about a lot of things. Even going to the store was overwhelming. I think I suffered a mild social anxiety. I didn’t get panic attacks or anything like that. Maybe I was just shy. I felt more secure when my mother was with me. I still don’t like going to the store but you just have to. When I’m at the cash desk, I wish it would be over quickly. I pay with the debit card so I don’t have to play with money. That makes paying easier. If I do pay with cash, then I count them before going to the cash desk. The worst feeling is counting your money at the desk and making the cashier wait. I get this feeling that they’re staring at me even if they might not.

Being out in public is one thing but what’s even worse is talking on the phone. I can talk to someone I know easily but when it comes to calling a stranger, that’s the worst thing I know. I hate the feeling I get when I try to call. I get sweaty palms, my heart is beating faster and I think about everything that could go wrong. When someone says I should call to a workplace, I think no way. I don’t tell the person I can’t do it though. I rather forget the whole thing. Running away from unpleasant things is the easiest way. I’ve lost a lot of opportunities because of that. I never answer unknown numbers. The only one that calls, is my dad and telephone salespersons. But recently someone called and then sent a text message that I should call them back. I searched on the internet if the phone number was genuine and it was. Apparently, there was a job offer but I didn’t call back. No one has never called me because of that so I didn’t believe it was real. I don’t know where they had got my number since I haven’t signed in any job offer service. There’s LinkedIn but that’s been useless.

Introverts hate small talk. Talking nonsense is not in our nature. What I dislike the most about being an introvert is I never know how to start conversations. It feels like I’m the one who needs to say something. A simple ‘Hi’ is not enough. It’s really tiring to make up something when the other person doesn’t say anything either. Maybe it’s a Finnish thing. People are reserved and unless you’re not outspoken, they don’t care to get to know you. Having friends was important when I was a child. But as I got older, just meeting new people has been enough. I haven’t found anyone who has the same interest as me. Online it’s easy to find ‘your people’ but they’re usually in some other country. Finding people close by is the hardest part. Some get friends easier than others. For me finding friends has been a mighty problem. When you’ve been alone for so long, you get used to having no one. For some, it might not suit them but for me, it’s no problem at all. I rarely feel lonely. Meeting new people is stressful and I rather be without it.


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