My life is a maze

black and white stairs

Some people know exactly what they want and they do anything to reach their goal. But my life has always been a maze. I never knew what I wanted to do for a living. I had ideas but they disappeared and my interest changed. I’ve gone through life as a person who doesn’t really know what they want. I’ve never had the courage to take the bull by its horns. I was also afraid to get stuck with one occupation for the rest of my life. When you’re young, you think your choices will be permanent but that’s not the case. It’s never too late to start something new. I wish I thought about it when I was a teenager. I should have been more active and taken more chances. I was too stubborn and now I have to pay the price.

You can’t change the past and you have to accept the way things are. All you can do is look forward. Sometimes it feels like I’m the only one on earth who has more education than work experience. People in 30 something, has come much further in life than I have. My life is a maze and I don’t compare myself to others. I have to play with the cards I have. I’m too modest and don’t trust my skills. I need someone to convince me, I’m good enough. There’s always someone better than you but that shouldn’t stop you from getting better. I should really practise what I preach. It’s easy to say things than doing them. I want to do something creative but I wouldn’t call myself a designer. That word doesn’t sound like me. It’s a maze to know what a designer mean. We all have different opinions on the matter. One thing that I do know is, I don’t want to be a student again. I want a job where I can learn. I know the basics and it’s time to put them to good use. Employers don’t look at your education, they look at your work experience. At the moment my resume looks empty in that area.

It’s only one week left of my web design education. The hardest part is the vocational skills demonstration we must have on Wednesday in front of the evaluators. We’re presenting our portfolio and client work. What I hate the most is keeping a presentation. We practised it and it didn’t go very well. I’m worried I say something wrong or don’t know how to answer. No matter how I prepare, things go the wrong way. If I fail the test, I won’t get the further vocational qualification certificate. I can do the test again but then I have to pay the full amount myself and it isn’t cheap. Luckily I can still be a web designer if I don’t get it but a certificate could help a bit. I still don’t know if I get a job if I had it or not. There are a few jobs I could apply to but they require skills I don’t have. I can still do it but my chances are thin and they probably gonna find someone with more experience and with better skills. The jobs are more of graphic design but web design is in it too. They’re in another city too so that can be a problem.

The employers are not exactly queuing behind me. I could try it alone but there’s so much to do before it pays off. I hardly get any responses in social media when I post there so how can I get myself out there. Being self-employed you need to be someone who works hard and doesn’t give up. You have to do every job alone and think about how much to charge. Then all the different taxes you need to think about. My father has an own business so I’ve seen how it works and it isn’t easy. I just don’t have that guts in me. I know I should get out of my comfort zone but the uncertainty of going alone is too high. Thinking is easy but to take that first step, that’s the hardest part. If I can’t find a job in someone else’s company, then maybe starting something on my own is a better option. That’s better than being unemployed and having to handle with the job centre. Earning your own money is more satisfying than living on welfare. I don’t want to be rich, I only want to have enough to get by. But mostly I want to get out of this maze. I’ve circled around it and searched for the entrance for years. It would be time for getting out of the circle.









2 thoughts on “My life is a maze

  1. I believe in you! Since you’ve done the work and the classes you KNOW your stuff. Stay positive, smile at the presentation (or any challenge that comes across you), and take it like a champ! Good luck!! Remember to smile 🙂


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