Sometimes I’m a bit paranoid when it comes to certain things. If it’s about posting on social media, finding a job or making friends. On social media, it feels like my posts have no meaning to other people. In job search when I have an interview, it’s like they already chose not to give me a chance as soon as they see me. Then when I’m in some education no one seems to want to get to know me. They might talk to me but when the school is over they don’t even want to keep in touch. I keep telling myself it’s OK because there will be other people. Still, there’s an odor of conspiracy towards me. Or maybe it’s just bad luck. I’m not the one who wants to intrude in other people’s affairs. Maybe they didn’t like me but they didn’t really bother to get to know me either. It’s fine with me. They lived in another city anyway. People come and go. If it’s meant to be, it was meant to be. I’ve learned not to stress about having friends around. I’m not very good at keeping in touch with other people anyway.

What I’ve most doubt is becoming an entrepreneur. A lot of marketing happens online and social media. I can’t even get people to interact with me on my personal accounts. Internet is a big place and it takes time to get noticed. Unless you’re like everyone else. E.g. taking selfies and posting edited photos on Instagram. I don’t want to sell my soul to that marketing business. Or whatever it’s called. I can’t start anything just like that. I need to think long and hard before starting anything. I’ve already done that at least 2 years. I’ve searched for a job in the open market but no success there. That’s a conspiracy on its own to any job seeker out there. It seems a lot of people want to become entrepreneurs in graphic design or any other creative business. Even in Helsinki Design School where I studied graphic design. I was a bit embarrassed because they were so much better than me and extroverted. How am I supposed to compete with them? That shouldn’t stop me though. For a while, I was about to change my mind about having my own business. The way things are going, entrepreneurship is tempting again. It’s just that doubt in my mind that stops me from starting.

I’m sure a lot of people feels others are against them once in a while. It comes in thought, is there something wrong with me. Am I not good enough? Here what the odor of conspiracy comes in. You think the whole world is against you but in fact, it’s all in your mind. It’s just bad luck if things turn the way they do. Not all things have explanations. Things just are the way they are. You can do things perfectly but still, something goes wrong. You can’t know in advance who you’re gonna meet or how things turn out. That’s what life is about. You never know what’s around the corner. It shouldn’t be the odor of conspiracy. It should be the odor of success. Whatever it is to you.