Writing 101 has ended ages ago. But this was very difficult to write so that’s the reason I haven’t written this earlier. Since I didn’t finish this 3 part story, I decided to mix it with this weekly writing challenge. It’s was the saddest time of my life. This is quite a long post!
Last but not least, the sorrow continues. When my sister died, I don’t remember much about it. And my grandmothers were old so it was no surprise they passed away. Everybody dies one day. Losing a parent is always different. Those are the people who are most close to you.
I had former school mates that had lost a parent or both. I saw myself lucky. I still had both. But that was about to change. In 2012 my life was changing, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I don’t know what it’s called but it had to do with her stomach. It started with a back pain. She thought it was just a strain when she bent down when she did some gardening on the front yard. But the pain didn’t go away. I told her to see a doctor and she did. It was then her destiny was revealed. To make the story short. She went through an operation where they removed her spleen and a part of her large intestine. She went through chemotherapy and she felt much better afterwards. There was hope. For a while. We tried to live as normal as possible. We went on cruises and she went to the market place in the city. We went on bike rides and just did normal things like we always did.
Then in the autumn 2013 the worst thing happened. All the treatments she had been through hadn’t helped. She could try to eat special foods and maybe that could help a little. But none of those helped though.The doctor said, there was nothing else to be done. She would eventually die. I was devastated when my mother told me. At the time I didn’t know how to react. I knew that was it but I just didn’t want to think about it. I tried to hold my tears. I just didn’t want to believe it. No one knew how long she would live, which made it harder.
We went on a cruise to Stockholm on a new cruise ship. She was still feeling well. That was her last trip. My father was thinking if we would take a Christmas cruise to Riga again. But I said, maybe we wouldn’t think about it. I thought, why plan that long when no one would know when her time would come.
But that day came earlier than expected. My mother’s condition got worse. She was still living at home. I had helped her with daily tasks. My father had driven her to the hospital when she needed to go there. The doctor had reserved a place in a hospice in case she couldn’t make it at home anymore. She couldn’t hold her food in and her walking had become difficult so she had to borrow a walker. She kept losing her voice as well. She decided it was time to move to the hospice. It was for the better. There they could take better care of her and give her better medicine. It was also easier for us. We went to the bank to take care of things. She was on a wheel chair by then.
Her eating was getting more difficult. She could hardly eat anymore. On December 13 we went to see her in the hospice. She could still talk and sit up. We had taken a bus there. The bus ticket was valid for 2 hours which was the time we aimed for. She wanted to sit in her wheel chair so dad helped her in it. She wanted to go to the lobby so I wheeled her there. The bus would come soon so we had to leave. I said we would come back the next day. I hugged her and said goodbye. Afterwards I thought, why were we in a hurry? We could have bought a new ticket later. But we were too worried for the bloody bus.
The next evening we paid her a visit again. But things had changed. She laid in bed and her breathing had become heavy. She could hardly breathe and she couldn’t talk anymore. The nurses said they couldn’t give her anything to eat. All they could do was moisturise her lips with a cotton stick with some kind of oil on it. It was really hard to see her fighting to breathe. Just the thought of it breaks my heart. I don’t want to remember her that way. Seeing a person’s life slowly slip away is the saddest thing you can ever experience. Dad just kept playing with his phone. Mum looked at him like she thought that he didn’t really care.
I held her hand for a while when I stood beside her bed. The nurse came to see how things were once in a while. When we left, we didn’t know at the time that was the last time we would see her alive.
About 2 hours later, they called from the hospice that she had passed away. I knew when I saw her lying there that her time had come. I was relieved she didn’t have to suffer anymore but I was also very sad. I have never cried so much in my life. Dad was sad too but in his own way. I cried for three days and still feel sad when I think about it. The next day when we would get her things, I didn’t want to see her. I wanted to remember her the way things were. I could never look at a dead body.
A lot of things has gone through my mind since then. A lot of ‘what if’s” Things I wish I had said or done. She once said, she has to go through her illness alone and no one cares. But she wasn’t alone. I was there. I cared. I wish I had said it. That’s what I regret the most.
Thoughts about how I would do things differently. I could have stayed over night in the hospice. What if she wouldn’t have become sick? Why her? Why do I have to go through this? And so on. Nothing of that will change. You can’t change the past no matter how much you wish.
But I’m not alone. There are people out there that have gone through the same thing. That’s life and there’s nothing you can do. God (or whatever you believe in) walks in mysterious ways. Maybe there’s a reason for all of this. I just try to move on. There will be times when I aloud myself to cry. I just remember the good times we had. We had our disagreements but she was my mother. She cared. Sometimes too much but she was there. No one will never take her place.
Miss you mum.