October is here already. The only thing that I’m looking forward to is winter. But that will probably be snowless and grey. I always seem to be a disappointment in most things I do. Maybe not in other people’s eyes but my own. It feels like it comes vapor out of my head because things upset me. When others are having something to do. I just keep living in my head. I should do this and that but I never get around doing it. That’s why I’m stuck in a rut and I’m too afraid to do anything about it. It really brings me down. Life shouldn’t be this hard. It isn’t depression. Everyone feels down sometimes and that’s what I feel right now. It has nothing to do with the weather or anything. I find happiness from time to time. I don’t get anything done which is the problem. I have too many distractions.

People I know personally and not so personally all have some purpose in their life. My dad and my cousin have their own business. Both of them wanted to do something and they did it. I don’t have the same courage. Sometimes I wonder if they’re really are my relatives. Even my mother was braver than me. I’m just lazy and a coward. I can be happy for other people and I don’t feel envious. I’m mostly a disappointment to myself and there is no way out. I work hard, in my mind but when it comes to actual work, not so much. It doesn’t help much when I go on LinkedIn or other job search sites. All I get, ‘do you know this person?’ on LinkedIn. No, I don’t. I don’t why it has to suggest anyone. It’s weird to add people you don’t even know. They only appear because someone else probably knows them. My biggest problem is not finding a job, it’s about not finding anything to apply to.

I always think I should to this or that but then up doing nothing or something else. When I studied web design I thought about entrepreneurship but that didn’t go anywhere. Now it’s been about 3 years since I graduated and I haven’t done much since then. Not even with my website. Then when I studied graphic design I thought about starting something during it or after that. Nothing happened either. Now when I’ve seen works from current students in Helsinki Design School, my work is not as good. So now it’s October and I haven’t accomplished a thing career-wise. I can’t even call it a career. Maybe I don’t want it enough or I would have done something by now. Last year I went to an entrepreneurship course and I made a business plan. It feels like all of those educations they have gone to waste because all I do it complain about how difficult things are. No one said it’s easy because if it was everyone could do it. But I’m not confident about my skills. I’m in between forgetting design altogether or hanging on. It seems there are neither graphic designers or web designers everywhere so there is no need for my kind. Maybe I concentrate on that too much. Either way, my middle name is disappointment but I know I shouldn’t stress so much about it.